the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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