I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
this just has baby written all over it
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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