My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
