fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
