I cannot find my penis.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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