my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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