Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
