So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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