I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
