how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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