Yo dont text me then not text me
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
