If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
