I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
