I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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