grandma shit on top of the toilet
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
