im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You were trust falling into bushes
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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