I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
home. puking in laundry basket.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
