I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
