ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
