I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
