im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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