There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
