Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
