I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
