she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
