My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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