Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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