we're chasing vodka with high fives
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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