I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So vagazzling was a success
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
