My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
