Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
This baby is an asshole
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
