Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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