i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
