I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
50% drunk capacity currently
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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