Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
