i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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