the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
