im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
