When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
We had sex on a dog bed..
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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