I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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