I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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