I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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