Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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