Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
