Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
