At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
