i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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