I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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