I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
