her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
