We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
